I've read Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind and I have to say my mind feels like there is a war going on! Joyce talks in her book about how the devil attacks our thoughts, our mind and our self-talk in negative ways. So many times I think, wow I'm following what God wants me to do and continues to show me that, then in an instant I can have a completely different thinking, "Tabitha, this is stupid you don't need to move or spend the money, etc.", the list could go on and on. It's a war zone in my mind.
You may be thinking, "Tabitha what in the world are you talking about?" I left New York feeling confident in what God wanted me to do, where He wanted me to be and felt His strong presence that I was going the right way. I struggled the first week in New York. I was questioning God, questioning why I was there, doubting, worrying, daily anxiety, and any other feeling you can imagine. I decided to STOP! I began praying every second--moment by moment asking Him to show me His work around me. That's when the peace and calmness set in. God is great! At one point I thought, "I have no idea how I got into this school, it's top notch, high standards, SMART people, how did I get here?!" By the grace of God is all I can say. As I was walking down the street with honking taxis, cars zooming by, people passing and thought, God is at work because I have no idea how someone can feel so peaceful in one of the busiest cities in the United States. I felt at peace. I think that's how you feel when you know you are doing what God wants.
Then I get back to Charlotte, I will use the phrase from Sweet Home Alabama; "This fits too." I get home and am so glad to be home. I've missed the suntan lotion, beach towels, Daniel, Trish, and my friends. I sighed a big breath of comfort when I landed. A slower, less busy way of life. I think about all the things I could do here in Charlotte, the memories to make with friends, cooking (there won't be time or room for that in NYC), pool time, and I could go on and on. I want this too. My thinking is turning into a battlefield again. I want to stay, not go to school, be here. But, then I think about the opportunity I have, the way God has been confirming the journey I've been on, the school I get to be in, the people I've already met there. So, the war begins in my mind, again.
At least I can say I learned from a few weeks ago and am praying continuously and clinging to God. The battlefield can really get to you. So, I"ll keep praying and let God do what I cannot.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Writing
I can remember countless times I've said to my own students (my writers) "Writers write everyday! We always have something to write about." While I was saying these things to my kids and thinking, this is true I know writers who do this. (But ya know I just don't have time to write.) I would never tell that to my kids! I journal when I'm praying and make to-do lists or write emails. That's the extent of my writing.
This week while I've been learning about writing to teach kids. I've been in my own writing workshop. My stomach was tied in knots the first day of my class because I knew I'd have to write. How many teachers can think of a kid who looks and feels like they are about to just burst into tears or do at the thought of writing? Yeah, that was me this week. I was THAT kid.
In my writing workshop I had to actually write about something from my life and go through the writing process. Writing process, what writing process. I don't write, that's my process! I thought. Oh gosh, here we go. I'm sitting in a room full of teachers who are just going to to town. Writing and writing and writing. I look around and think OH CRAP I have to start, would you just get an idea Tabitha! Yes, I've got one! Now what do I do. Plan. Ok, I can do this I can plan a story. My sketches which look like kindergarten work didn't help. I look around again oh my gosh how are these teachers writing like this! My self-esteem as a writer has plummeted beyond bottom. I turn to my partner. She's still getting ideas and thinking of how it will go. I whisper, "do you feel like this is hard?" She replied with, yes. Thank God for my partner! She feels how I feel. I just swam up a tiny bit from the bottom of my hole.
Finally, writing workshop is over. I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank goodness! Then my thoughts turn to my students. I know exactly how Bryan felt, Nicholas, Tommy, you get the picture. They either didn't feel good as writers, didn't have strategies or just no idea. I can relate. I think I have a few strategies to help now.
I could go on and on about that time in writing workshop. I"ll spare you my pain, yet learning during that time.
Later in the day, I met with a person who was helping grad students with their writing. A conference. Oh yeah, I've had conferences with my students. I sit there staring at my notebook. Oh my gosh, she's going to think my writing is horrible, or how stupid, wow this girl doesn't know how to write, what is she doing here. She sits down. I just divulge into my worries about writing, I've never done this before, I am not a good writer, on and on and on. She says, "well, I think you've got two really great ideas here. Why did you choose these two?" I go into my details. I told her about one of my pieces and how I have a big feeling in this one and it was a big thing (but small moment) of my life. She said, "that sounds great. What I do is I go home and get in the moment, play the movie back in my mind and write everything and anything I was thinking. Just type and type and until you feel like you got it all down." Wow, so that's what I did. I just learned a strategy. I swam up a little bit more from my hole. I know some of you are thinking, you didn't know this. I know, I know.
Needless to say, that's only part of my first day thoughts, learning and insights. I learned that as teachers of writing the MOST important part of it is doing it ourselves, taking that learning into our teaching. Yeah, we hear this many times and say yeah sounds good. But no really do it!(I"m serious) I'm making a goal for myself as a writer to carve out a little bit of time to write not for a paper, not for a blog (ok sometimes the blog), not for school, but for me--to practice my writing. Write about my life. Practice writing everyday. It may be a couple of lines, a few pages, or just an idea but, "Writer's write everyday, right?"
This week while I've been learning about writing to teach kids. I've been in my own writing workshop. My stomach was tied in knots the first day of my class because I knew I'd have to write. How many teachers can think of a kid who looks and feels like they are about to just burst into tears or do at the thought of writing? Yeah, that was me this week. I was THAT kid.
In my writing workshop I had to actually write about something from my life and go through the writing process. Writing process, what writing process. I don't write, that's my process! I thought. Oh gosh, here we go. I'm sitting in a room full of teachers who are just going to to town. Writing and writing and writing. I look around and think OH CRAP I have to start, would you just get an idea Tabitha! Yes, I've got one! Now what do I do. Plan. Ok, I can do this I can plan a story. My sketches which look like kindergarten work didn't help. I look around again oh my gosh how are these teachers writing like this! My self-esteem as a writer has plummeted beyond bottom. I turn to my partner. She's still getting ideas and thinking of how it will go. I whisper, "do you feel like this is hard?" She replied with, yes. Thank God for my partner! She feels how I feel. I just swam up a tiny bit from the bottom of my hole.
Finally, writing workshop is over. I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank goodness! Then my thoughts turn to my students. I know exactly how Bryan felt, Nicholas, Tommy, you get the picture. They either didn't feel good as writers, didn't have strategies or just no idea. I can relate. I think I have a few strategies to help now.
I could go on and on about that time in writing workshop. I"ll spare you my pain, yet learning during that time.
Later in the day, I met with a person who was helping grad students with their writing. A conference. Oh yeah, I've had conferences with my students. I sit there staring at my notebook. Oh my gosh, she's going to think my writing is horrible, or how stupid, wow this girl doesn't know how to write, what is she doing here. She sits down. I just divulge into my worries about writing, I've never done this before, I am not a good writer, on and on and on. She says, "well, I think you've got two really great ideas here. Why did you choose these two?" I go into my details. I told her about one of my pieces and how I have a big feeling in this one and it was a big thing (but small moment) of my life. She said, "that sounds great. What I do is I go home and get in the moment, play the movie back in my mind and write everything and anything I was thinking. Just type and type and until you feel like you got it all down." Wow, so that's what I did. I just learned a strategy. I swam up a little bit more from my hole. I know some of you are thinking, you didn't know this. I know, I know.
Needless to say, that's only part of my first day thoughts, learning and insights. I learned that as teachers of writing the MOST important part of it is doing it ourselves, taking that learning into our teaching. Yeah, we hear this many times and say yeah sounds good. But no really do it!(I"m serious) I'm making a goal for myself as a writer to carve out a little bit of time to write not for a paper, not for a blog (ok sometimes the blog), not for school, but for me--to practice my writing. Write about my life. Practice writing everyday. It may be a couple of lines, a few pages, or just an idea but, "Writer's write everyday, right?"
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