I come from Ohio, where I was born and grew up in the country with cornfields and cows.
I come from Charlotte, where I'm making a home, filled with sunshine and loving people.
I come from my mom and dad who love me and support me.
I come from my sister Trisha, who is in my heart and a phone call away.
I come from friends who care, listen and support.
I come from a fiance, who loves me unconditionally.
I come from my grandma, who would rock me and sing me to sleep at night.
I come from kids who I teach, but teach me lots too.
I come from a God who is faithful and loving.
I come from experiences that have shaped who I am.
Wow! I knew I worked well with a routine, but didn't realize it is incredibly hard for me to focus and get my life organized without one!
I just started classes, moved to New York, found a part-time job, figuring out my living space, etc. and have no routine whatsoever right now. I NEED a routine! Hopefully it comes quickly. It makes me think about our classrooms as teachers and how we teach and teach the routines of the day. It can really cause some anxiety!
Change. It inevitably causes anxiety, worry, doubt, restlessness, and any of those other unstable feelings; at least for me. I don't deal well with it. For all the change that has occurred and is about to, if it could be coins for me to drop into my piggy bank I'm pretty sure I'd feel secure in the money I was gaining. Too bad we can't collect coins for all the changes that happen in life right?
Even though I'm about to embark on an entirely huge change, it's also been a giant step of faith that I'm willing to take with God on my side. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be scary? Yes. Will I be exhausted? Yes. Will I be lonely? Yes. I can say all these feelings are guaranteed to appear. But, all things worth doing are usually hard. God's plans aren't always easy because He wants us to rely, depend and solely trust in Him. Sometimes I think He calls us to these changes in our lives that will rock our boats to get our attention, to grow our faith, to glorify Him in some way. When all this change is about to happen and those unsettling feelings arise in my mind and the pit of my stomach I remember that God has opened up these doors and He has a plan. I've not done any of this on my own.
Change, little or big it causes us to grow in character, if you believe in God-your relationship with Him and your faith. Just like we collect the change in our banks it's good, it grows. So, I will say even though it's bold change in our lives is good. It grows us.
I've read Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind and I have to say my mind feels like there is a war going on! Joyce talks in her book about how the devil attacks our thoughts, our mind and our self-talk in negative ways. So many times I think, wow I'm following what God wants me to do and continues to show me that, then in an instant I can have a completely different thinking, "Tabitha, this is stupid you don't need to move or spend the money, etc.", the list could go on and on. It's a war zone in my mind.
You may be thinking, "Tabitha what in the world are you talking about?" I left New York feeling confident in what God wanted me to do, where He wanted me to be and felt His strong presence that I was going the right way. I struggled the first week in New York. I was questioning God, questioning why I was there, doubting, worrying, daily anxiety, and any other feeling you can imagine. I decided to STOP! I began praying every second--moment by moment asking Him to show me His work around me. That's when the peace and calmness set in. God is great! At one point I thought, "I have no idea how I got into this school, it's top notch, high standards, SMART people, how did I get here?!" By the grace of God is all I can say. As I was walking down the street with honking taxis, cars zooming by, people passing and thought, God is at work because I have no idea how someone can feel so peaceful in one of the busiest cities in the United States. I felt at peace. I think that's how you feel when you know you are doing what God wants.
Then I get back to Charlotte, I will use the phrase from Sweet Home Alabama; "This fits too." I get home and am so glad to be home. I've missed the suntan lotion, beach towels, Daniel, Trish, and my friends. I sighed a big breath of comfort when I landed. A slower, less busy way of life. I think about all the things I could do here in Charlotte, the memories to make with friends, cooking (there won't be time or room for that in NYC), pool time, and I could go on and on. I want this too. My thinking is turning into a battlefield again. I want to stay, not go to school, be here. But, then I think about the opportunity I have, the way God has been confirming the journey I've been on, the school I get to be in, the people I've already met there. So, the war begins in my mind, again.
At least I can say I learned from a few weeks ago and am praying continuously and clinging to God. The battlefield can really get to you. So, I"ll keep praying and let God do what I cannot.
I can remember countless times I've said to my own students (my writers) "Writers write everyday! We always have something to write about." While I was saying these things to my kids and thinking, this is true I know writers who do this. (But ya know I just don't have time to write.) I would never tell that to my kids! I journal when I'm praying and make to-do lists or write emails. That's the extent of my writing.
This week while I've been learning about writing to teach kids. I've been in my own writing workshop. My stomach was tied in knots the first day of my class because I knew I'd have to write. How many teachers can think of a kid who looks and feels like they are about to just burst into tears or do at the thought of writing? Yeah, that was me this week. I was THAT kid.
In my writing workshop I had to actually write about something from my life and go through the writing process. Writing process, what writing process. I don't write, that's my process! I thought. Oh gosh, here we go. I'm sitting in a room full of teachers who are just going to to town. Writing and writing and writing. I look around and think OH CRAP I have to start, would you just get an idea Tabitha! Yes, I've got one! Now what do I do. Plan. Ok, I can do this I can plan a story. My sketches which look like kindergarten work didn't help. I look around again oh my gosh how are these teachers writing like this! My self-esteem as a writer has plummeted beyond bottom. I turn to my partner. She's still getting ideas and thinking of how it will go. I whisper, "do you feel like this is hard?" She replied with, yes. Thank God for my partner! She feels how I feel. I just swam up a tiny bit from the bottom of my hole.
Finally, writing workshop is over. I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank goodness! Then my thoughts turn to my students. I know exactly how Bryan felt, Nicholas, Tommy, you get the picture. They either didn't feel good as writers, didn't have strategies or just no idea. I can relate. I think I have a few strategies to help now.
I could go on and on about that time in writing workshop. I"ll spare you my pain, yet learning during that time.
Later in the day, I met with a person who was helping grad students with their writing. A conference. Oh yeah, I've had conferences with my students. I sit there staring at my notebook. Oh my gosh, she's going to think my writing is horrible, or how stupid, wow this girl doesn't know how to write, what is she doing here. She sits down. I just divulge into my worries about writing, I've never done this before, I am not a good writer, on and on and on. She says, "well, I think you've got two really great ideas here. Why did you choose these two?" I go into my details. I told her about one of my pieces and how I have a big feeling in this one and it was a big thing (but small moment) of my life. She said, "that sounds great. What I do is I go home and get in the moment, play the movie back in my mind and write everything and anything I was thinking. Just type and type and until you feel like you got it all down." Wow, so that's what I did. I just learned a strategy. I swam up a little bit more from my hole. I know some of you are thinking, you didn't know this. I know, I know.
Needless to say, that's only part of my first day thoughts, learning and insights. I learned that as teachers of writing the MOST important part of it is doing it ourselves, taking that learning into our teaching. Yeah, we hear this many times and say yeah sounds good. But no really do it!(I"m serious) I'm making a goal for myself as a writer to carve out a little bit of time to write not for a paper, not for a blog (ok sometimes the blog), not for school, but for me--to practice my writing. Write about my life. Practice writing everyday. It may be a couple of lines, a few pages, or just an idea but, "Writer's write everyday, right?"
Coffee in the morning, coffee in the afternoon, coffee in the evening.
I love coffee.
However, my observation of coffee in New York City is people drink it all day!
There are very rare times you see the people that work and live in the city without a cup of coffee in hand. Dunkin' Donuts, Tim Hortons, Starbucks and the little cup that is signature of the cart.
Why is coffee such a trade symbol in the hands of people walking around? Well, my only reasoning for this is because the city is exhausting and I don't think that people ever really, stop. While I'm from the north, I'm not from the city. Quite frankly I've developed a slower pace of life from living in the south. Do I walk fast yes, Do I rush around most of the time, yes. But, I like to slow down in the evening, take walks, just sit and decompress. From my outside observations the city is a work, work work mentality. I know I know I may fit into that sometimes. I can fit into that sometimes, but it's exhausting.
While it's my first week in grad school at Columbia. I have coffee every morning. Nothing new there. But, then at lunch yesterday I fell into the trap...I had a latte at lunch! Thanks to my friends who gave me starbucks gift cards. Coffee in the morning, coffee at lunch...no I didn't have coffee in the evening. Not to say I won't.
My thoughts in the morning were I love a good cup of coffee and thinking I need it to stay awake this morning in class. Then I got on the subway. I've decided I do some great thinking on the subway; just me, my coffee and some music that gets me thinking about Jesus. While on the subway I found, I don't NEED the coffee to get me through the day, I NEED God, His strength, grace and wonderfulness to get me through the day. I started my day with ease at this one thought. Puts things in perspective, what I can't do on my own I can do with God.
Maybe coffee is my reminder of needing God because lunch I thought, 'oh I did it--I went for the coffee!' After I was drinking my latte on the way back for class I thought. I NEED God this afternoon, not coffee.
The abilities of myself were put into perspective yesterday, I am small. God is BIG.
Pens..such a simple tool that we don't always use in the days of technology.
When I think of a pen as a writing tool my first thought that comes to mind is, 'I'm a pen snob!' Why? Because I only like pens that write smooth, look nice and those pens are usually very expensive. Today on my first day of graduate school in the writing institute I am having to face my fear of the pen---writing with it!
The first inspiring words of the week, "A tool that makes you into a better teacher...a pen." was quoted today at my first keynote. While I have to say that is true as far as teaching goes, I want to think that it would make me into a better thinker, person, communicator?
Honestly, I'm afraid of the pen. The computer feels more natural, easier to think, ironically simpler. But, this week I'm facing my fear of the pen. I'm attempting to put it to the paper and write! I ask kids in my classroom to do this everyday and yet I am already at a writer's block with my pen. I feel like I pinpoint every feeling of a kid who doesn't want to write, doesn't know what to write about, doesn't like writing or is "thinking." How do I know this, because my pen wouldn't move today in my very own adult writing workshop. So, I tried a pencil. At my stealth attempt to trick my mind into writing, still it wouldn't create words on the page.
What is about the pen (or pencil) that creates the writer's block, the fear, the run-around incomplete thoughts in my head? I have no idea!
Tonight I'm attempting my writing assignments in hopes that the pen will become a tool instead of a fear to express my thoughts that swirl around in my head. My attempt to untangle moments that could come to life on the page for someone else or just to be a moment I've lived.
I'm going to leave the comfort of the keypad to pick up the plain, simple, black bic pen!
